SashaKhair

:'(

2012-01-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

Things between bf and myself are getting better these days. Im really happy with him and we're happy together. Only sometimes like usual there will be those times that we will end up in an argument. Im really starting to fall deeply in love with this guy!

But then, there will be times when i suddenly get so sensitive and the slightest thing bf says that might sound wrong to me can easily change my mood.

These past few weeks ive been getting emotional over the smallest things. Not usually of me to be this way. I never used to cry over small things. Maybe theres just too much on my mind that i wanna let out but i just dont know how to.

Im seriously getting more and more scared of whats gonna happen next. Ive never felt this way before. Bf seems to take it too easy. Just the other day my mum suddenly sound me about my tummy. Panic, i quickly went out to meet bf. Told him about it and he can just stay calm and when asked what to do next he can say that he dont know.

One thing, when to let them know. Another is, i dont think bf keeps any of his money. Whats gonna happen when we're having financial difficulties? Wont that then effect our relationship? Im really scared. He cant seem to be bothered. Or maybe he's just not showing it cause he dont wanna stress himself. Im really confuse and scared and dont know what to do and how we're gonna get through all this.

I need someone right now. Someone to hear me out but then i just wont know how to let all of this out. Ive been keeping alot inside of me, making myself stress. Im just scared. I cant stop tearing before sleeping everything when i think of all this.

Im already disappointing my family and now i dont know whats gonna happen. I just need you to show me that you're confident about all this and you know how to handle all this and that you will take care of all this and that i can really trust u with all this and that i wont have to worry about anything!

Argghhh! Im fucking scared, all i wanna do is cry.

How did i end up in this kinda state?

I really need to work to occupy my brain and thinking and stressing myself with something else! All this is really getting to me. I cant take it anymore :'(

Siblings Day Out to Sentosa!

2011-12-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

Abg An got free tickets to Sentosa, Song of the Seas and Skyride & Luge (:
Went there together with just the siblings this time. Surprisingly this is the very first time we actually went out together. Just us. Mama had to attend Kak Nana's wedding preparation.

Had lotsa fun really. Hee. Im sure it will be much much more fun if the whole family were there ):
Been really long since we went out as a family. Hais. Hopefully there will be more such outings. I really miss all the fun joy and laughter!

After all the fun we headed to Harbourfront Center to eat eat eat!! Had Pizza Hut all Abg's treat of cause.
They all then headed home by cab while i made my way by train to meet up with my dearest bf!

Fetch him from his workplace and made our way back home together. I miss him so much and im gonna miss him more tomorrow since we wont be able to meet cause he has to work. *Sob *Sob ):
Wont be able to spend the new year with him. Wont be able to catch the fireworks with him. Nak cry laa. Sad tahu tak?! Confirm sashaa mendak bored gile babi if i were to stay at home. Haissss ):

I guess i better turn in now since i have a wedding to attend to in the morning.
Good night all!
Happy new year!
Bye Bye 2011
Hello 2012 & and more happy days with dearest bf and babylove!!
Muackssss!
(:

BF still wanna club(:

2011-12-29T12:30:00.000-08:00

Ive just finished watching Ombak Rindu on Youtube.

Earlier on before the show called to talk to bf on the phone for a while. The conversation didnt really lasted in a good tone. Bf wanted to go club with his friends and asked me if he could. Haha. I seriously dont know why i didnt even got mad to the question.

Before we got together he told me that he had enough of all this. He was going to change. Ofcause being the gullible Aishah i believed his words. So far since we've been together for 5 months he has proven that his words were true. Only now, jeng jeng jeng.. I guess he cant resist that temptation. I know that one day this would eventually come. But im not sure if he is really going or not. Its about a week from now. My answer to him was up to you. But i did mentioned reminding him what he had told me before we got together.

That was his big mistake. Cause i wasnt the one who said that he could never ever club again. Cause i know when i control a guy too much he will just turn out worse. A good example was my past. I know and understand that sometimes guys need a little bit of freedom but if given that freedom and they take advantage of it that its really our lost cause we put our trust on them. I trusted his words so hopefully he keeps to his words. But if he insist on going i can never stop him cause firstly who am i to do that and secondly i just can never control his life fully.

I understand that sometimes he needs his time off with his friends. But if in between all that he forgets his promises i dont think i can really learn to trust him fully.

Besides, he somehow got furious when i reminded him about the time that he had asked me to stay back and not follow my family back to kampong. He says i was comparing my situation to his. Its been a long long time since he last meet and hang out with his ns friends. So what was he trying to say? I always see my family they are always there i dont need that more time to spend with my own family? To me one can never have too much time with your family members. It will never be enough. No matter how much time u spend with them all that cant be enough when their gone one day. We are all aging and will never know whats gonna happen.

So tell me. Is my bf being fair to me? It just got me thinking when he asked me that question. And obviously i started thinking maybe he hasnt really enjoyed his life fully being free. Does he really want to be tied down with me now having a greater responsibility now that we might have a child together?

Im really scared just thinking about all this. Is he really ready for all this? Am i really ready for all this too?
Whats gonna happen next i really wonder.

As for my bf, if he decide to go ahead with the idea i wont object to it. Its his life. He decide. Aishah pasrah je. hee. Tak tau knp nari aishah boleh sabar sikit. hahah.

Okays, i guess thats all. Somehow the song im listening to right now is gonna make me cry. I better head to bed before i start crying infront of the computer like a baby. hee.

I really miss my bf. Dont know if we'll be able to meet up before 2012.

Good night!

First Entry

2011-12-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

Decided to create a new blog. Got tired of the old one. Lotsa crazy history which i dont wish to read any longer.

Life.
-FAMILY.
Somehow i can start to feel that this family might slowly fall apart alrdy. With all the troubles and dad's problems. Its getting me worried somehow. Right now the only thing i wish for is for all of us to be back to the ways we were in the past ):
I really miss those times. Going out frequently just to grab a bite or just out spending some family quality time. Where have all the laughter and happiness gone to? Hurts me cause whenever i follow bf's family, it will make me think of my family. How we used to be that way too.
I guess i cant expect much from anyone now knowing how my family situation is like. With dad like that and me still not having a proper job.
Step sister no longer lives with us for now. I guess thats for the best if not i just dont know why i wont be talking to my dad. Maybe just the way he treats us differently makes me upset. I dont know why im getting more and more sensitive these days.
I seriously miss my family ):
Just wish things could go back to how it was but i know that can never happen again. Hais. I feel like crying now. One more month to go before dad might leave for some time.
Im really scared when that day gets nearer. I know i might be really harsh sometimes cause maybe i blame him a lil for what has happen. But no point, whatever it is he's still my dad. The one and only dad that loves me alot and gives me everything i need despite me being so stubborn. He still loves me the most among the other siblings. Im not being fair to him if i continue treating him differently. He alrdy has alot to handle.

Recently my mum talked to bf's mum and i guess that didnt turn out well at all. I cant really blame anyone. Partly i know im at fault. Hais. If this had happen in the past i wouldnt have just kept quiet about it. Would have either sleepover my friends house till i cooled down. But now i know better than to make my mum more worried about me. She has to deal with dad's nonsense plus mine? I dont think she can take it. She just being that way cause obviously she doesnt want my to repeat my past. I just dont know if bf's mum understand. Bf said his mum felt offended by what my mum said. Hais. Its so damn hard to pleased everyone. End up we're still at fault and some just choose not to understand. Its really stressing me somehow. I just wish thinks will get better. I feel awkward now to go over bf's place. Hais. When im just starting to get comfortable with his family, this has to happen. I dont blame my mum. I should know better that my mum dont like me sleeping over someone's place and yet i did that just to make my own bf happy and satisfied but i ended up upsetting my mum. Hais. Kenapa la aku slalu penting kan org laen dulu sblom family members aku sendiri.?

-LOVE.
So far we've been together for 5 months now. And im really starting to love him more and more each day. I just love being with him. But somehow in between all that we keep on arguing and fighting. The smallest thing can turn out so huge in the end. It just gets complicated sometimes. The one thing i just cant stand till now is his ex that still exist in his world. Thats the worse we could ever fight of. Why must there be all these ex when i love someone so deeply? Hurts alot and scares me alot more thinking the past might just happen again. I seriously cant take that pain anymore. But i know bf is loyal to me alone. He's committed to this relationship. I can see that but my jealousy and anger just covers all that sometimes and my eyes blind me from seeing all that and we end up arguing and fighting. Maybe whenever the ex is there i just get so insecure cause obviously the family is much more closer to her then me. And my wild imagination will start playing games with my mind making me think of all sorts of things. Cant blame me, partly my past thought me to be very careful when i see all this coming back. Just like his mum welcomed all those sluts in her house, bf's mum still welcomes this one. Then starts all the lies and bullshits. Hopefully its just all my wild imagination.
Recently fought with bf just because of this too. The one thing i cant stand most knowing that girl can have his stuff. hahah!

Honestly put all that aside/away/gone/never exist im pretty confident that this relationship will turn out perfectly. Me loving him. Him loving me. Wholeheartedly. No one in between. Everything can be so wonderful. But whats a relationship without all these ups and downs. I just wanna be happy with someone who loves me and just me alone and no one else. That would really make me happy.

-MYSELF.
What more can i say about myself. Tummy getting bigger. Im stressing myself with no job still. Can i really handle all thats going to come?